Yesterday was my first wedding anniversary. You might recall my blogs of a couple of years ago about meeting a new man, a dancer, in the wake of writing my first novel for adults, Wanted: Greener Grass. My character’s life in that book was turned upside down, and so was mine. I ended up leaving my much-loved partner of 29 years to be with this new man. I moved in with him only three months after meeting him, and we married on the 25th February 2018.
To begin with, my ex was extraordinarily supportive. He loved me and so he wanted what was best for me, and if this new man met my needs more completely than him, I deserved to have the new man. I was blown away by his love and generosity. The new man in my life was stunned as well. Others around us admired him, and probably wondered how I could leave such an extraordinary human being.
As the wheels turned and my decision evolved from idea into reality, as we began to separate our possessions and make practical arrangements, the pain of this new development bit hard. My ex experienced anger and sadness and regret. His initial generosity was swamped by waves of grief. He wanted to turn back time. He reminded me of what we had and how rich it was – he wanted me to decide that leaving would be a pointless pursuit of greener grass, since we both knew that there is no such thing: every life option holds a balance of positive and negative.
But I also knew that the core of our issue was that we wanted different things. He wanted a slower more relaxed life; I wanted more adventure and growth and challenge, and the new man shared those desires. And I’d experienced so many little signs, little impulses, little intuitions that were calling me to make the move that I felt I had to trust them.
My trust was repaid tenfold, a hundredfold. I know now that my leap into the unknown, a leap that seemed so risky and even cruel two years ago, was actually guided and right, at some deep, mysterious level. Not only am I deeply fulfilled in this new relationship, but my ex has just met a woman who deeply nourishes him.
The beauty of this tricky and testing journey is that my ex and I have retained our loving and warm relationship, and our family unit is as close as it ever was. It’s expanding now, as new partners enter it, but all of the relationships are solid and caring and open-minded.
The irony is that my ex is now embracing adventure in a way that he resisted during our years together. It’s funny how life delivers these twists and turns. But after my initial hurt I felt glad for him; I certainly have no need to indulge in resentment because my own life is now so full of love and challenge and growth that I am completely content.
Of course it’s not yet the end of the story. So much more will happen before we truly know ‘the end’. But it’s a development that encourages me more than ever to trust myself and to remind you to trust yourself, your inner promptings and callings, your intuitions, your deep desires. They just might be the kernel of vast and magnificent change.